| My baby loves me! :) |
[Jul. 25th, 2006|04:23 pm] |
I had told Jimmy that if I ever got married, I would want to walk down to the aisle to Canon D-Pachelbel...When I got home a few nights ago, he was in bed and the song was playing on the computer...I thought that was odd because he never listens to my music...I turn on the screen and see this message:
"Not to sound like a girl or anything but, I listen to this and I cant help but picture just how beautiful you would be walking down the aisle...."
Words can't describe how that made me feel...Listening to the song makes me all teary-eyed now! :) |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 15th, 2006|11:10 pm] |
I got home from work last night and Jimmy was still awake...He worked in the morning so I was surprised...He was so upset...We had the longest talk...He told me that he doesn't want to invest more time in us and end up losing me...He wanted to make sure I realized how "fucked up" he is and make sure we want the same things for the future...
We do want the same things...I love him just as much as I did before he told me...
We're going to be ok...
We're going to be happy... |
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| Music |
[Jul. 11th, 2006|04:10 pm] |
So Jimmy (my bf) came home drunk on saturday night...Big UFC ppv so he was out watching it with friends...He of course has some BK which I can't resist, somehow I managed to though, hadn't eaten a thing all day!
I commercial for Lisa Loeb's new show comes on and when she sings the first lines of "Stay", Jimmy says "that's the song I lost my virginity to"....Ummm...I had just downloaded that song a few days earlier because I loved it...Way to ruin it for me! I usually like to know this kind of stuff, I ask him about his ex gfs all the time and he usually doesn't want to say too much but for some reason when he's drunk he blurts that out...It was on my playlist earlier and I had to skip it...I wonder what other songs remind him of people...I remember he used to play "Betty Davis Eyes" all the time and I found out later that it reminded him of a girl he used to know...He said that's not why he liked it though...
I have some songs that remind me of people, even people I slept with, but I somehow think it's different for me...Like the song "Scar Tissue" by RHCP reminds me of my friend Drew...We were good friends for years, even dated for a bit, years later, slept together, but it only reminds me of him because he played it at a talent show me and some friends organized for the IWK which was the day after I met him...The night I met him was one of the funnest nights I've had with him...I was so drunk, he had to basically carry me through the woods...
Anyway, I was thinking lately that I really want to have one of those memorable nights with Jimmy...Where we just can't control ourselves and are all over each other...The kind of great sex where it's not just sex...Where your whole bodies and minds are connected and it's all about the feelings....
On a different note, I'm fat as ever...Fasted for about a day and a half and woke up and my entire face was so white...I have never seen a face that white before...I couldn't stand up longer than 10 seconds, I kept falling and everything was spinning....It was so bad...I threw up water everywhere...I just kept feeling worse and worse and I literally just wanted to die so it would stop...I tried eating some peach slices figuring that was overly unhealthy but I threw it all up...That was scary...
Jimmy came in and made me a sandwich...Told me I had to eat something like that to feel better...I ate it, then passed out...He told me I shouldn't be fasting because it's soooo unhealthy...
I keep checking my mail everyday for my amphetermine, not here yet and I'm getting impatient! I want it so bad...I need it! I hope to god it works for me...I need to lose at least 35lbs...Yes, I'm that fucking huge...
The scars on my belly are getting a little better...I'm getting more and more stressed out that I'm not going to be able to hide them from Jimmy because he keeps trying to put his hand under my shirt like he always does when we sleep...I hate having to hide it from him too...I never hide anything from him...I tell him anything and everything...
I wrote him an e-mail telling him I love him and miss him and appreciate everything he does for me and that I'm lucky to be with him...He wroteone back saying he loves and misses me too and that he really misses being able to lay in bed at night and watch dvds in bed with me but that it just makes sundays and wednesdays when we can sooo much better...
I finally get paid this friday!Not much though...I calculated it and with my jobs at Symcor, Cotton Ginny, Mystery Shopping, Julia's Photocopy AND Carleton Cards, I make less than 20000 a year...I think I'm going to ditch them all except Symcor and Julia's and get another job...There was one I wanted but if I took it I would only get about 4 hours of sleep a night...
Guess we'll see what happens |
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| Regret |
[Jul. 8th, 2006|09:45 pm] |
I don't know what brought on my attack on myself this morning, but what I've done has sunk in...If my bf finds out he'll leave me...I don't like seeing these cuts covering my stomach and right hip...I wish I could go back...I wouldn't do it again...I hadn't done it in over a year and I screwed everything up...
I'll have to think about it a little more next time....... |
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| Cutting |
[Jul. 8th, 2006|02:42 pm] |
I just did something I haven't done in over a year...I promised myself and my bf that I would never do it again...Not only did I just cut my hips and stomach, that old rush came back and I went a little overboard...I'm covered in cuts and blood...I won't be able to make something up for this...Why did I do it? I feel like shit right now...
I just want to scream and think I should be beat...I would love to levae my body for about 10 minutes to just be able to kick my own ass...
I feel numb.......
I need help...I can't go back to this... |
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| Disgusted |
[Jul. 8th, 2006|02:25 pm] |
I can't stop thinking about it today more than any other day...My body makes me sick...Not just these layers and layers of sick fat but everything...I can't think of a single body part I have that I like...I'm so disgusting...I need like a million dollars worth of plastic surgery...I can't stand being me...I make myself sick...I want to cry and just die everytime I look in the mirror...It's insanely hot in here and being alone, before I would have just layed naked in front of the fan...But the thought of my body not being covered makes me sick...I'm here sweating trying to keep everything covered...I can't live like this...I can't live just hating myself so fucking much...I would give anything to be pretty and thin and happy...
I get so angry when I think about the body I was given...Is this some kind of sick joke to see how long I can deal with it before I lose it completely?? Well I'm at that point...I don't know what to do...
I can stop just grabbing at my body and wanting desperatly to just pull it apart it and start over...
I'm feeling so sick right now........ |
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| Sleep In |
[Jul. 6th, 2006|03:33 pm] |
Yesterday I called in sick to Cotton Ginny...It's been so busy lately and I didn't want to deal with it...I knew I had the night off at Symcor and a whole day off was what I needed...Mary sounded PISSED when I called...Jimmy didn't know I had called in and called to talk to me there and said that Mary seemed really mad when he asked for me...Must have been a busy day....Mary's a bitch...Anything I can do to make life harder for her is great!
Didn't have to work at Symcor last night, which was great because tuesday day we had overtime and I didn't go home till 3am...Thank god for overtime pay...Jimmy said he really misses having me there to go to sleep with him...I wish Symcor had better hours but I love the job so much that I'll work anything they give me...
I have to work there tonight...Somehow I managed to sleep in till 3pm...I NEVER sleep in that late...For me, sleeping in is being up and out of bed by 10pm...I'm gonna have to go get ready soon...
I know mail takes a while but I still don't have my amphetermine and I'm getting very impatient...I hear it's really good and I want to start taking it sooooo bad!! I"m worried it doesn't make it here...Can't be the best idea sending pills through the mail but at the time, I didn't care how it had to get here!!
Weighed myself today...Lost 2lbs...I'm not overly excited about it though because those are just the 2lbs I gained back when I had a lazy period and couldn't stop picking at Jimmy's takeout...I should have stocked up on the ephedrine before I ran out...Nothing I can do about it now though...
Jimmy's still talking about quitting his job....I told him I would love if he could get us some exercise equipment before he does! He started a job at Iron Dog Fitness and gets all gym equipment AT COST!! I want to set up my own little gym in our apartment...We're soooo broke though that I can't see it happening...
Anyway, I'm going to go get ready for work...I wish people didn't sweat when they worked out! I would love to be able to walk to work...I mean, I can walk home from the mall, but I can't walk home when I work till midnight...Jimmy won't even let me take a bus when I get off that late! I like that he worries about me.... |
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| Canada Day and Random Stuff |
[Jul. 5th, 2006|05:17 pm] |
Had an ok Canada Day...Why was there nothing going on this year?? Me and Jimmy went to see Mike and Lisa, haven't seen them since they moved...Lazy Jimmy wanted to take a cab, but being poor, and needing the exercise, we walked around downtown Halifax for a bit, then took the ferry to Dartmouth, and walked around until we found their place...They had all kinds of foods and stuff there...We were having some drinks...I told them I couldn't eat when I drank or I would stop drinking and get tired and want to go home...Not wanting me to leave, they didn't try to convince me to eat...
We had an amazing view of the fireworks from their balcony! I don't think you could have gotten a better view anywhere! Jimmy stood behind me and wrapped his arms around me and kissed the side of my neck...I loved it!! I think about all the little romantic things he has done for me and I was never a girly kinda person before but I want all that stuff now! I never did before...I love when he brings me flowers...I loved the itilian festival where he fed me bites of his food (I'm going to Italy on my honeymoon!!), I love when we're just hanging out drinking and after 1 year and 8 months he can still kiss me and make my entire body tingle...
Lately I've been getting urges to cut again and I don't know why...I haven't done it in like a year...I promised Jimmy I would never do it again but I miss it...
I started my new job for Symcor and I love it! I hate having to work nights but the money is good...And it leaves my days to do what I want...I've been running my fingernails over my body and it just feels good...I have this odd obsession with blood this past little while...
Anyway, I'm going to go make Jimmy his supper...Ick, why does he have to eat meat...I hate touching dead stuff!! |
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| Come on, give it a try! |
[Jul. 2nd, 2006|10:04 pm] |
Want a way to make some quick money?? Read on!
INSTRUCTIONS:
You will need the following:
-An email address
-A free Paypal Personal Account (then Upgrade to Free Premier Account)
-20 - 30 minutes of your time.
-$5.00 dollars.
Step 1
Ok, if you are not already a Paypal user, then the very first thing you need to do is SIGN UP at www.paypal.com. It takes about 2 minutes. Please be sure to sign up for a free PERSONAL ACCOUNT (then upgrade to a free Premier Account) so that you can receive credit card payments from other people.
Step 2
Once you have your Paypal account, the first thing you need to do is send a $5.00 payment from your Paypal account to the FIRST email address in the list below, along with a note saying “PLEASE ADD ME TO YOUR MAILING LIST”. Be certain to add this note, as this is what keeps this program LEGAL. The instructions on how to send a payment are under “SEND MONEY” at the Paypal site. It is very easy.
The current list is:
1) buddypellow@hotmail.com
2) project_witz@hotmail.com
3) indigo284@hotmail.com
Once you have transferred $5.00 to the email address at the top of the list (along with the VERY IMPORTANT MESSAGE) you should feel an indescribable, overwhelming sense of certainty, belief and conviction in this system. You have just proven to yourself that because you have done it, there must be a great number of people doing exactly the same and thus you have now seen for yourself, first hand, that this business actually works.
Step 3
The last thing you need to do is copy and paste this page (and make any necessary changes), as you will be sending it out (as an email or even advertising on say, Ebay) to as many people as possible. The more people you send it to, the more money you should receive as long as people participate. Remember that when you send this out you delete the person on the No 1 spot (obviously after you have sent them $5.00 along with the VERY IMPORTANT MESSAGE) move everyone up 1 position and add your email address into the No 5 spot.
If you haven't figured out how this works, just think, as everyone is sending it, the names keep moving up. It won't take long for your name to reach the number one spot. Once it's there, you will be the one person that people will be sending to. You send to people, who send to people, who send to people, who send to you! |
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| NEW JOURNAL |
[Jun. 27th, 2006|02:06 pm] |
I had a weight loss tracking journal for a bit now and a regular journal for years, but really just wanted to start off new...I've been taking epehedra for a few months now and it just isn't working like it used to...In the beginning it was my best friend! So I'm about to buy some amphetermine from someone online and hopefully will have some luck with that...
Height: 5'
Highest Weight: 137lbs
Lowest Weight: 96lbs
Current Weight: 122lbs
STG: 115lbs
LTG: 85lbs
This journal will have a lot of my weight loss progress as really it's all I can think about lately...If you don't want to read it, don't.... |
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melanie284's journal